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A Sheep's tale
Over the Alpha weekend, I was reunited with God.
Like a lost sheep found by its shepherd.
I was born a Christian. My grandfather was a pioneering Methodist
minister in the southern part of the Philippines. My father also
served as a vicar of a small community church for two years before
he heeded a stronger calling and became a teacher.
As a kid, I enjoyed dressing up in my Sunday’s best, listening to
Bible stories from picture books and participating in children’s
presentations on special occasions. But on the onset of my
adolescent years, going to church suddenly became a burden: an
unwanted responsibility rather than a joyful activity.
This was the stage of my life when I was fighting constantly with my
mom, lying badly to my dad and acting indifferently to my younger
siblings. Home wasn’t sweet for me.
Neither was school. I was barely passing my classes. I was making
more enemies than friends. I was among the least favourites by my
teachers.
Most of the time I was angry, drowning myself in self-pity and
hating the world around me.
And then one late school afternoon, I couldn’t get up from my seat.
My legs had no strength to stand up. I had to be carried home. The
next day, I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease.
My first thought was that I was being severely punished by God. I
felt scared, vulnerable and lost. I felt so dirty, so ugly and so
sinful. I felt a strong need for answers, reassurance and
restoration. That was the turning point of my life.
My mom guided me throughout the process. I was asking her questions
about God. Was he quick to punish? Hard to please? A kind who keeps
a list of my mistakes?
Then my mom reminded me of the stories I have heard when I was a
child: of the birth and death of Jesus Christ, the saviour who came
to pay for my sins with his own blood. The son of God who brought
the promise of salvation to everyone who accepts him as their
personal Lord and saviour.
I found myself gripped with desire to know more about this
sacrifice. I started reading the bible. I was enlightened but at the
same time I was also daunted. Accepting Jesus in my life would mean
I will be expected to become like a salt of the earth – exemplifying
his teachings and being a role model to others. How could a messed
up fifteen year old do that?
By my own I can’t, said my mom. But if I invite the spirit of God to
live within me and put my complete trust in the Lord, I wouldn’t be
astray. I listened to my mother. I asked for the Holy Spirit and he
was given to me.
My transformation surprised everyone who knew me during those dark
times of my life. I became a youth leader in Church. I finished
school at the top of my class. I made my family proud. By doing my
best for God, he lifted me up. I didn’t always win, but losing
didn’t feel bad. I trusted God’s reasons.
Of course there were still dark moments. In fact I have just
recently got out of a three-year ‘cooling off period’ with my
saviour. After such a fulfilling relationship with him, I have
allowed myself to wander off and became unfaithful. I thought I
could afford to break a few rules that he might not notice. Few
turned too many and my conscience started bending against me. I was
miserable but I was also guilty and I allowed my guilt to widen the
space between God and me.
But the Lord was always holding on to me and so I managed to swim
back to his wide open arms of love.
I know it still wouldn’t be easy. There will always be times when I
would lose my way. There will always be temptations that wouldn’t
seem to go away. There will always be moments that my doubts would
lead me astray. But I also know that I will always be led back to
the right path like a sheep found by my shepherd, my God.
Angeli |
